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Saturday, February 2, 2013

JJS History Month: Day 2

Day 2 of Jason J Sergi History Month has arrived. Today's Fun Fact: Food Shopping.

I hate it. I think Id rather have all my teeth pulled without Novocaine than spend any time in a supermarket; at least if there's other people there.  I'm not big on any kind of shopping really, but when I go to a mall, which has about ten times more people than any grocery store or supermarket, I'm not near as aggravated as I am in the latter.

For some reason, unknown to me, the moment people step foot in a supermarket their intelligence goes down, common sense is shattered, and manners are out the window. I don't know what it is, Ive never experienced this in any other facility, ever. Maybe its those automatic doors; maybe they can change the smartest professor into a zombie. Everything gets diminished, speed, thought, understanding; everything goes into slow motion once your past those magnetic doors. Add in shopping carts and narrow aisles and then it turns into downtown Beijing at rush hour.

When I'm food shopping I'm like an Apache attack helicopter; I'm flying close to the ground, under the radar, I know exactly what and where my targets are, all I need to do is get to them, fire my Hellfire missiles, and get out...but I cant, because my enemy, the shopping zombies have set up SAM traps that are impossible to get around, I'm talking about people who park their carriages in the middle of an aisle and walk away, or park in front of my target to spend an hour reading the ingredients on a box of mini wheats.

Another favorite of the enemy is the head on attack.  Those who come straight at you with their carriages down a crowded aisle. You cant back up and they cant come forward; the only option left is collision. 

But even once I manage to get passed these traps, the act of exiting and entering the actual aisles provides another danger. If suicide sappers aren't bombing out from the aisles, then their bombing in. That's when you both stop, exchange dirty looks, then continue on.

And don't get me started on the deli.

I don't think it has to be this way. I've been lobbying for years to have laws put in place to fix the problem; cheap, easy ways to improve the experience. For one, make those with carriages follow the same rules as drivers do: stay to the right, stop at all intersections and look both ways, and use blinkers. To make exiting and entering aisles easier, put mirrors in the ceilings so you can see who's coming and, more importantly, SPEED LIMITS...and just get rid of the deli altogether; you want fresh cold cuts, go to SUBWAY. If you break any of these laws, the penalty is lifetime banishment from the establishment. I figure after a few years of the laws being active, we will have weeded out the weak shoppers and the experience will become akin to going to a spa. Conform or Starve.

That's all I have time for, for now.  I have to go food shopping. Hope you're all having a good weekend, see ya tomorrow for day 3

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